Parenting – Managing behavior and disciplining Young children

Growth and development cannot be forced as it takes time and patience. Children need to be nurtured like plants and allowed to blossom naturally. The role of parents is to help a child to help himself, as growing up is a tricky business.

Disciplining is helping a child to behave in a socially approved manner. It involves good manners and acceptable behavior. Before trying to change a child’s behavior, it is a good idea to examine one’s own self. Many parents find it very difficult to keep their own attitudes, likes and dislikes, from influencing the manner in which they handle behavior in children. There may be times when a child will make parents very angry. Parents do a lot of harm to the child when they say things that they do not mean in the heat of the moment which may have a damaging effect on the child.

Each child has a different set of needs. The hereditary makeup and the rate of maturation differ from that of another child who is of the same age. What may seem to be suitable for one child may not work for another child. Older children may demand more explanations and reasoning instead of being told or ordered what to do.

·         Set rules to be followed in and around the house and outside, as they act as pointers telling the child what is acceptable of behavior and would prevent undesirable behavior.

·         Rewards may be given in many forms. Like, praise and parental approval helps child to improve behavior. There must be a direct connection to the act so that there is motivation to repeat it. Like, praising child when he helps around the house or looking after younger sibling. Occasionally, a simple gift may act as a bonus but it is not necessary for every time. On the other hand, criticism and nagging should be avoided as it can reduce a child’s efforts. Rewards are given ‘after’ an act or socially acceptable behavior. Anything that is used as a dangling carrot to bring desired behavior is bribery.  A child is promised a reward or a material gift in return of an act – almost like a barter system. Bribes do bring about change in behavior but it is far too short lived. Soon a child starts to expect something in return for every acceptable behavior.  There is no scope for inner control and need for responsibility of any kind. While rewards motivate children to repeat acceptable behavior, though material rewards need to be used sparingly.

·         Consistency helps a child understand what is expected of him in terms of behavior while inconsistency confuses a child and he may lose respect for the parent. When parents are unsure about their role in disciplining children, inconsistent methods are used. Sometimes they are lenient and sometimes too strict. Many parents use trial and error while disciplining their child in order to find out what works best. Similarly, they do not have one consistent method of punishment. Their emotional relationship with the child also swings from one extreme to another. For example, parents may appear warm and friendly at one time and quite detached or cold at another. When both the parents do not agree on a common technique of disciplining or lack of respect for each other can lead to fear and insecurity in the child. Supporting each other when reasoning and explaining to the child will make him feel secure. No child would dare to play one against the other as his parents are sure of themselves.

·         Punishment helps the child from not repeating undesirable acts and helps him distinguish between socially desirable and undesirable acts. Punishment is necessary when the child consciously and knowingly indulges in unacceptable behavior. However, positive motivation in the form of rewards works better than negative motivation in the form of punishment. Parents often believe beating the child is an effective way of disciplining. Other mild forms of punishment include detaching from the child, isolating, ignoring or threatening to withdraw love. It is only natural that a child associates punishment with discomfort and pain it causes and not with the wrong act and so can repeat it. It is necessary to differentiate between the child and the undesirable behavior. Disapprove the act and not the child as a person. Punishment must be suitable to the wrong act and must follow it as soon as possible. This allows a child to make a connection between the two. If the need for punishment is too frequent, parents need to question their own attitudes and disciplinary methods used by them.

·         Remember the child cannot learn if he is constantly told what to do, controlled or dominated. Give him choices within a safe framework because learning comes through trial and error.

·         Avoid leaving the child to do anything of his choice. Be clear about your expectations regarding specific behaviors.

·         It is human nature to accept but ignore acceptable behavior and quickly notice unacceptable behavior and comment on it. Serious problems in disciplining arise if basic need for unconditional love, understanding and security are satisfied in children.

Hope these tips would help you in disciplining your child. If you have any other suggestions, then please be free to share.

                               

                                                                                                               

                                        Happy Parenting !